| The Perils of Theoretical Basketball |
|
|
Page 2 of 3 AdolescenceThe real action took place here, not in my childhood. Much of what I struggle with now can be traced back to that time. Seemingly out of nowhere, once I hit elementary school, I was ostracized and bullied. I suddenly realized that I was different from my peers. Girls who seemed to like me the previous year now shunned me-not that I could tell whether or not they ever really liked me in the first place or what it meant if someone liked you. Awkward, embryonic attempts at dating inevitably ended in disaster. I began to withdraw and experience depression for the first time. By the time I reached high school, the taunting had abated, but its effects lingered. I experienced an emotional shutdown that I can trace back to a single, monumental event, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back: after an especially vicious rejection at an end-of-year dance in Grade 8, I made a conscious decision to stop trying socially and not let anyone hurt me-and I meant it. Though it was an extreme measure, I maintain to this day that, in context, it was a rational decision. I had to stop the bleeding by any means necessary; this was the only way I knew how. Consequently, in high school I was like a robot, out of touch with my emotions, only able to dive into my schoolwork, churn out endless A's, and lose myself in my short wave radio my newfound passion and, not surprisingly, a solitary activity. To this day I have no idea what kind of non-verbal message I was putting across to my classmates, but I surmise that it must have been akin to having KEEP OUT stamped on my forehead. It worked; they all did, and though as a result I had no positive social encounters whatsoever in high school, I also gave them no opportunity to hurt me, and at the time, that was all that mattered. Adulthood It is beyond the scope of this talk to continue with the chronology and tell you about my early adulthood, where further germane developments took place. Suffice it to say that it has been a long, slow journey from where I was in high school to where I am now. So, who am I now? Many of my autistic "symptoms" are not as pronounced in me now as they were in my youth. However, I still feel persistently different from those around me. Adulthood has brought with it a keener awareness of the difficulties and obstacles I face, but the solutions are as elusive as ever, and there is an overriding feeling of lagging well behind my peers. I am coping with the same issues that first presented themselves to me during adolescence. The issues that I grapple with-living independently, establishing a secure financial and occupational footing, and finding a suitable relationship-are more common to those in their late teens and early twenties than to people my age. As an adult, I have learned to suppress or hide what, to me, are important but clearly unusual aspects of my personality. Interestingly, as I read that sentence, I realize anew that on a subtle level, I am still carrying out my mission from Grade 8, and I notice the same set of pros and cons. On the plus side, people have fewer opportunities to hurt me. It keeps the bullies away. On the negative side, I have internalized these feelings of inadequacy so thoroughly that I do not feel comfortable with my true self. I am afraid to let anyone know the "real" me for fear of rejection. |
|||||
| < Prev |
|---|